Yes, it is. Forgiveness often starts as a choice, even while your feelings are still working through what happened.
Staying angry does not mean your forgiveness was not real. It might show that the hurt was deep, trust was broken, or things are still unsettled. Sometimes, a place, comment, or memory can bring those feelings back, even if you thought you had moved on.
The important question is what you do with that anger.
Why Can Anger Remain After Forgiveness?
Anger often comes with other feelings. You might also feel betrayed, scared, embarrassed, disappointed, or ignored. Saying “I am angry” names the strongest feeling, but it might not capture everything you are experiencing.
This is one reason why forgiveness can take time. You might choose to stop letting resentment control your life but still feel hurt by what happened. The American Psychological Association explains that forgiveness is not the same as excusing an offense, accepting harmful behavior, or simply ceasing to feel angry. Your emotions may change gradually as you understand and process the experience.
Forgiveness Does Not Automatically Restore Trust
Forgiveness and trust do not always happen at the same pace.
You might forgive someone but still feel you cannot trust them yet. You can also forgive without starting the relationship again. Trust happens when both regret their behavior, get honest, and become responsible. Forgiveness is something you can choose on your own, but rebuilding a relationship takes effort from everyone involved.
Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you cannot set boundaries. You might care about them, but you do not have to go through the same hurtful situation again.
Start by Naming What Actually Hurt
Forgiveness is harder when you are not clear about what hurts you.
Rather than just saying, “They made me angry,” try to figure out what the experience really meant to you:
· I felt dismissed when they ignored what I said.
· I felt betrayed because I trusted them.
· I felt embarrassed by the way they spoke to me.
· I felt unsafe when their anger became aggressive.
· I felt unimportant when they refused to listen.
What To Do While You Count To 10 encourages readers to look beneath their anger and find the feelings under the anger. Does identifying feelings make you weaker? No, it helps you understand what needs to heal.
What Does a Real Request for Forgiveness Require?
In the book, counselor Eli explains forgiveness to Jack in three practical steps.
1. Admit the Harm and Ask for Forgiveness
A real apology clearly states what happened. It does not use phrases like “I am sorry you felt that way” or quickly try to explain things away.
The person admits what they did and asks for forgiveness but does not expect it right away.
2. Listen to how your behavior affected the other person.
This can be the hardest part. You, who caused the harm, need to listen to how your actions affected someone else.
You might feel ashamed, defensive, or want to explain yourself. But listening should come first. Good intentions do not take away the pain.
3. Change the Behavior
An apology does not mean much if the same behavior keeps happening.
In the story, Jack learns that making amends means saying sorry, listening to the hurt, and acting differently. Change gives an apology its real meaning.
What If the Other Person Never Apologizes?
Sometimes the person who hurt you will not admit it. They might downplay what happened, blame you, or act like you should have moved on by now. That is about them, not you. You do not have to wait for them to understand before you start healing.
In this case, forgiveness often is accepting that you cannot change the past. You stop letting the event shape every new relationship, choice, or argument. You can let go of some of its control while still holding the person responsible.
You do not have to let the person back into your life. Setting boundaries might still be needed, even as your resentment fades.
Can You Forgive Yourself and Still Feel Regret?
Forgiving yourself does not absolve your own responsibility. It lets regret become something helpful.
Jack has a hard time forgiving himself for the anger that hurt his family. His guilt keeps him stuck. He starts to move forward when he admits what he did, listens to how it affected his family, and begins to change his actions.
Regret can help you remember not to repeat a mistake. Punishing yourself over and over does not fix things, but changing your behavior can.
The book describes self-forgiveness as a choice. That choice may need to be made more than once, especially when an old memory returns.
What Forgiveness Can Look Like While You Are Still Angry
You may not feel completely peaceful yet. You can still begin by:
· Naming the harm honestly
· Recognizing the feelings beneath your anger
· Deciding which boundaries you need
· Listening when a sincere apology is offered
· Watching behavior instead of relying only on promises
· Choosing actions that no longer keep the conflict alive
Forgiveness does not require perfect calm. It asks you to face what happened without letting that moment control everything that follows. In What To Do While You Count To 10: A Practical Guide to Anger Management, David W. Earle, LPC, shows how responsibility, listening, changed behavior, and self-awareness can turn forgiveness into something practical. Anger may still visit, but it no longer has to make your decisions.
